Influencing Positive Change
by Abe Brown

Recently, I was coaching business people, and I was asked a question. Actually, it is one of the top 3 or 4 questions I am asked when coaching. Whether asked by a parent, partner, friend, manager, or co-worker, the question goes like this: “I am struggling to help influence positive change in the people closest to me. How can I work towards positive change in those I care about?”

Most of us live in close and intimate relationships with those we care about. As a result, we often attempt to help them influence positive change in their lives. Our desire is helping them grow and flourish. Sometimes we even try too hard. However, in a healthy person there is a strong desire to influence positive change in others. So, how can we influence positive change in those close to us?

First, look at your motives. If our motives are unhealthy when influencing positive change in others, they sense it intuitively. And, when they sense that our motivation is selfish, for our benefit, as opposed to theirs, they will resist.

You see, leadership is all about facilitating other people’s development. To do this, our motives must be healthy. John Maxwell said, “The first step to leadership is servant-hood.” To influence positive change in others, we need to come with an orientation to serve them, for their benefit. When we do that, we find an eager audience. Oprah Winfrey said it like this: “I’ve come to believe that each of us has a personal calling that’s as unique as a fingerprint—and that the best way to succeed is to discover what you love and then find a way to offer it to others in the form of service, working hard, and also allowing the energy of the universe to lead you.”

Second, look at your mutual relationship. Often we think those around us should change simply because we tell them to. Perhaps we have the title or position, and think we can just sway others with the force of our will. However, people will only be influenced by those with whom they have a deep and mutual relationship. You cannot influence a person beyond your level of relationship with them. So, in influencing positive change, spend more time building the personal relationship and less time trying to steer the person. Spend more time caring, and less time controlling. I love Gary Smalley: “Life is relationships; the rest is just details.”

Third, look at your message. The question here is simple: Are you positive or negative? Negative energy can no more influence positive change than make a flower bloom. This is not about your words, but about your energy and spirit; your aura and what you emanate. Dwight Eisenhower illustrated this best for us when he said, “You do not lead by hitting people over the head—that’s assault, not leadership.” Radiate positive life always!

Fourth, look at your method. Clarity is crucial. People will be discouraged if we seek to influence positive change in them and yet are unclear, or lack specifics. People can only respond to the specific. When we try to create positive change in others, and yet use language such as, “You always do that!,” or “I wish you changed your attitude,” or, “You are continually bothering me with the things you do…,” of course, we won’t influence positive change. This is because we are too general, lacking specifics. There’s nothing more demoralizing than a person who can’t clearly articulate what they want from us and why. People respond to the specific. Learn the gentle art of positive persuasion.

Fifth, look in the mirror. Ensure that you are always growing, progressing, and constantly evolving into a healthier and more complete leader. This will give those you are seeking to influence, motivation, inspiration, and an example. Leaders don’t just talk the talk, but they walk the talk. Influence positive change in others by continually allowing positive change to be created in yourself. John Maxwell’s definition of leadership helps us here: “A leader is one who knows the way, goes the way, and shows the way.”

Don’t give up seeking to influence positive change in others. We were born to influence and help others grow. These easy steps above will enhance your efforts abundantly.

Abe Brown, B.Th., C.P.C., C.M.C., is the Certified Master Coach Trainer and Regional Vice President for the Certified Coaches Federation for the Atlantic Provinces, as well as Alberta, Saskatchewan, and Manitoba. He has been a professional Life and Executive Coach for over 15 years, and also trains others to be Life Coaches. More information can be found at www.certifiedcoachesfederation.com, or by calling 1-866-455-2155. Email: abe@certifiedcoachesfederation.com. Also see the colour display ad on page 41 of the 16.5 January/February issue of the WHOLifE Journal.